Waves of Grief

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The grief comes in waves. The tears, followed by the numbness, and finally the exhaustion. Over and over and over.

Nothing prepares you for the phone call. For the shock. For the text messages and phone calls. For the decisions. For the tears. For the anger. For the confusion. For the sheer number of details. For the hugs. For the numbness. For the massive amounts of coffee. For the scheduling. For the questions. For the unknown.

And this has been the past month for me. In one sense it’s been one of the longest months of my life; in another sense it’s as though time compressed and I don’t know where the days and weeks went.

Yet in spite of the grief and the sorrow, life moves forward. However, juggling projects and tasks at work and home isn’t as easy as it was six weeks ago. Managing my emotions is more difficult when I don’t know how I’m actually feeling most of the time. Keeping track of details feels impossible with a scattered mind. The emotional and mental reserves are low. Quite low. 

Balancing moving forward with taking time to grieve is proving trickier than it sounds. With project-based work, taking extended time off is easier said than done. So for the past couple of weeks I’ve focused on catching up and getting ahead. Because of this, I was able to take a day off so that I could just be. And that day was a glorious gift that I didn’t realize how much I needed until I woke up without the pressure of having to go into work and manage projects and people. Will I need more of these days in the coming months? Probably. Will I be diligent in taking them when I need to? Hopefully. 

And then there’s church. From the beginning, I’ve been honest with people and not hidden my emotions. At times I’ve retreated to the car after church because I need a break from questions and conversations. However, the most difficult moments haven’t come during conversations; they’ve come during the worship service. God’s Word brings comfort, and the words of His people do as well. And when these are combined with music and lyrics that point me back to my Father, the tears threaten to spill over.

In these first weeks I’m learning that this grief looks and feels vastly different from the grief I walked through after my home invasion in South Africa. However, I’m also learning that God still brings comfort through His Word, through prayer, through worship, and through His people. I’ve returned to the feeling of uncertainty that comes when the unexpected occurs. I’ve returned to overwhelming emotions. I’ve returned to questions that won’t be answered here on earth. And I’ve returned to clinging to my Father with all that I have. 

Only this time, in spite of the differences, I feel better prepared. As though I have a sliver of an idea of how to walk through the pain and the anguish and the questions. I also have an incredible husband by my side. And he has been a steady, calm rock over the last month. He has listened to me. He has held me. He has been a safe person to cry in front of. He has made decisions when I haven’t been able to. And I can’t imagine walking through these last weeks without him by my side. If there’s one thing we’ve learned in our ten years of marriage, it’s that nothing brings us closer together than trials. So while we wish we weren’t walking this dark valley together, we are still thankful for how God is already using it to strengthen our marriage.

The waves continue to crash. The tears continue to fall. And God continues to use all things for His glory and my good.

For those of you who are wondering about the cause of my grief, my brother passed away suddenly last month. I’m one of many who are grieving his death, but I will only be sharing my journey of grief in this space.

Life as a Children’s Director’s Wife

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So before I dive into this post, please know that I’m writing this from a place of respect and appreciation for all my husband does and as someone who has been involved in children’s ministry in different contexts for decades.

So here are some things to keep in mind if your husband is called to children’s and/or family ministry.

  1. You will be considered a volunteer. This can be a blessing and a frustration, sometimes in the same day. However, I’ve learned that sacrifice is part of marriage, and if that looks like serving in kids’ ministry for weeks on end, then I will enjoy it and survive.
  2. If you aren’t able to have kids, it might be more difficult to help with the younger ones at times. This might mean you request not to help with them if at all possible, or you might just have to ask God to give you the strength to love on the little ones while grieving the loss of your dream of having children.
  3. People will think that you know “all the things.” Now, this might be true if your paid job is working alongside your husband in kids’ ministry. However, if you’re like me and have a full-time job that’s not at the church and requires a lot of you, you probably don’t have brain space to remember all that’s needed for both jobs and life. And, most likely, your husband doesn’t share every last detail about his job with you. So give yourself grace and direct people to your husband in order to find the answers to their questions. 
  4. It might be assumed that your Planning Center skills are expert level, even if you’re just randomly clicking and hoping that whatever you’re doing gets you the results you need. Thankfully, if you’re somewhat computer savvy, you can conquer the basics of Planning Center without too much trouble. Unjamming the label printer, however, might require a quick tutorial.
  5. God will equip you with the strength you need to support your spouse. This might look like stepping in last-minute to serve on a Sunday morning or harnessing your administrative skills to create VBS rotation schedule labels or assembling volunteer name badges and goody bags. Or it might mean meal prepping and planning for busy Sundays and VBS. And it might possibly mean teaching the Bible lessons at VBS or simply being a listening ear after a long Sunday morning.
  6. Parents and church members truly appreciate what your husband does. They see his love for the kids and their parents, as well as for his job. They care about you both and are praying for you. While not everyone is called to volunteer in children’s ministry, even those who don’t serve appreciate those who are leading and volunteering in it.
  7. If you’re an introvert, there might be Sundays when you are tired and “peopled” out. On those days you will have to rely on God’s strength to help you engage with others and support your husband any way you can. Sometimes this might look like talking with a few people after church and then heading to the car to wait for your husband, allowing him the time and freedom to finish up work and talk with people before you leave.
  8. Everyone, from his coworkers to the volunteers to the kids, that he works with and cares about will capture your heart too. Because of this, you will most likely end up choosing to volunteer at some point. You will take the time to get to know the parents and the kids. You’ll pray for them when they are sick; you’ll send cards when new babies are born. You’ll make cookies and write thank you notes because you love and care for them too.

We are thoroughly enjoying this season of life as Chris serves as the children’s director at our church. We survived the week of VBS, during which I actually learned how to use Planning Center a little bit. And while I’m not a regular volunteer in the children’s ministry, I have been able to volunteer as needed, including serving with Chris in one of the classrooms one Sunday. We love serving together, and it’s been a blessing to see how God is using both of our skills and abilities to serve at our church.

Picton, New Zealand

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Our final port was an unexpected one because our original final port, Dunedin, and our scenic cruising day through the fiords at the bottom of New Zealand’s South Island were canceled. Since the seas would be too rough for those, we headed north to Picton, which is located at the top of the South Island. 

Because I’d done absolutely zero research on Picton, we booked an excursion through Royal Caribbean that allowed us to explore the nature and beauty of New Zealand. Our morning once again started early, and we were some of the first people off the ship to head into the small, harbor town. The town was quiet, and we wandered along the harbor, through the little, local market, and around the rest of the town. We explored some shops, and once again, I had a marvelous flat white from a small coffee shop.

After exploring the small town, we headed back to the ship for lunch and some rest before our excursion. Our adventure took us on a boat tour of Marlborough Sounds and an hour and a half hike on one of the islands. 

The boat ride was relaxing with incredible views, and it was amazing to explore more of the nature of New Zealand. We were given the option of taking a tramping cane (aka walking stick) for the hike as we got off the boat, and I was glad I grabbed one. The hike wasn’t even as close to as strenuous as our Wellington hike, and the guides explained a lot about the plants as we walked. However, the path wasn’t exceptionally flat and was a bit muddy in places. Chris stayed at the back of the group to take photos while I walked and smiled at two little girls in our group who chatted for most of the hike with each other and anyone else who would listen. 

In true, former British colony fashion, we were offered hot tea or coffee in proper mugs and biscuits (cookies) on the boat ride back to Picton. We declined the coffee and tea but loved the biscuits and found ourselves wishing we had time to find a grocery store and buy some packages to take with us. But since our excursion was in the afternoon, we only had enough time to walk from the boat to the shuttle bus and back to the cruise ship where we were the last group to get on the ship before it left port.

The day in Picton was gorgeous—clear skies, cool weather, beautiful scenery. And it ended up being one of our favorite days…and a good reminder that sometimes the unexpected turns into something wonderful and memorable! 

After Picton we spent three days at sea on our way back to Sydney. We ended up fairly bored by the end of the three days, but we did our best to enjoy the last bit of our anniversary trip.

Christchurch, New Zealand

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Before we left on our adventure, my mom told me, “Now, don’t decide to move to New Zealand.” I assured her that we had no plans to move there. But if we were to move somewhere in New Zealand, I would choose Christchurch. This was my favorite day…partly because it was my favorite type of sightseeing and partly because it reminded me of Europe. 

Our day started with the shuttle bus from the port to the city. And because we weren’t under a time crunch, I thoroughly enjoyed the bus ride and seeing the non-touristy parts of the city. (It was the type of bus ride where you see the real-life side of a city…auto repair shops, neighborhoods, furniture stores. And these are the types of places that make my heart break because I know most of the people that live in the homes and work in the shops don’t know Christ as their Savior. There are so many lost people living “normal” life all around the world without any idea of their lostness.) 

Once we arrived in the city center, we wandered around, did some souvenir shopping, and made our way to the “Cardboard Cathedral.” The main cathedral in Christchurch was heavily damaged in a major earthquake in 2011, and this one was built as a transitional space until the original one could be rebuilt. The original one still hasn’t been rebuilt, so they continue to use the Cardboard Cathedral. Since it was Palm Sunday and the service had just started, we didn’t actually go inside, just took a few pictures from the outside before walking back to the main area of the city. I’d found a cafe online that I wanted to try, so we began looking for it. We knew we were in the general area of where it was, but it seemed to be just off the street we were on. And we couldn’t figure out where the small side street was. As we were looking at our map (which we remembered to actually get!), I looked up and saw a sign for the cafe, pointing to where it was. So off we went for a delicious flat white and a kimchi, cheese scone for me and a cinnamon bun for Chris.

 

After our refueling stop, we ventured out to explore the botanical gardens.The gardens were beautiful, and we took our time walking along the river and taking photos of the flowers and the ducks and the trees. It was glorious. Once we reentered the city, we wandered through Riverside Market, which by this point was incredibly crowded. But the shops were adorable, and it was tempting to buy more souvenirs than we needed (or had space for). And because I’d read that there were great views of the city from the fourth floor of the library, we headed there. The view was cool, but what I loved even more was how full of life (albeit a calm, quiet life) the library was. 

From there we walked back down through the main shopping area to the shuttle bus stop. While it might seem like we didn’t fill all of our days as full as we could have, we knew we needed to balance doing with resting. And that’s actually how I like to vacation—see the places that you really want to but don’t cram so much into the day that you are thoroughly exhausted every night…and come home more tired than when you left.

Wellington, New Zealand (Day 2)

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Our second day in Wellington began early with a walk from the ship to the bus station. Our primary goal for the day was to visit Weta Workshop. This wasn’t part of our original plan, but after our visit to Hobbiton was canceled because we couldn’t dock in Tauranga, we decided to add a different Lord of the Rings adventure to our list. (We also saved a lot of money by booking this at the visitor center and taking the bus, instead of doing a tour through Royal Caribbean.) 

We were early for the bus, but the bus was late. When we boarded, we asked for a specific type of ticket, which the bus driver wasn’t sure about at first. He quickly figured it out, and we quickly figured out he was a new driver. After one wrong turn and a seemingly never ending bus ride, we made it close to our final destination. (Chris enjoyed the scenery while we rode, while I was stressing out about what time it was.) The driver dropped us off at what seemed like the middle of an intersection and gave us vague directions on which way to go. Thankfully, there was a police officer nearby who kindly gave us directions when we asked him. And then we ran and quickly walked to make it to our tour on time. We made it with just enough time to go to the bathroom before the tour began.

Weta Workshop is the company that has designed props for the Lord of the Rings movies, as well as dozens of other movies. Learning how they design props and costumes and more was incredible and fun. Chris loved it more than I did because he’d actually seen a lot of the movies they’ve worked on and, hence, talked about during the tour. I was the “odd” one who’s never even seen a Lord of the Rings movie. However, the stressful bus ride was well worth it in order to take the tour and peruse the gift shop. 

We then proceeded to take a different, faster bus route back into the city. The closer we got to the city center, the more crowded the bus became. There was a festival of some sort happening that day, and it seemed like a lot of people were going to it. One man, who apparently played in some type of band, even brought his large drum with him. We stayed on the bus until it reached the stop for the botanical gardens. The original plan was to meander through the gardens, but after heading toward the cafe and realizing that we didn’t want anything on their menu, to say nothing of how busy it was, we decided to make our way back to the ship for food. To do that we walked through an old cemetery that’s part of the gardens and ended up close to the New Zealand Parliament Buildings. After some picture taking, we headed to the shuttle bus so that we didn’t have to walk the rest of the way back to the ship. 

The accomplishment of the day was conquering the bus system. And although it was fairly easy to do, I always feel a little extra stress when navigating public transportation in a foreign country. However, we saved hundreds of dollars by taking the bus, so any stress and frantic running and speed walking was well worth it in the end!

Wellington, New Zealand (Day 1)

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Because of the canceled ports, we had an overnight in Wellington, which meant two full days to explore the city. We took full advantage of this and filled both days with plenty of steps and adventures.

When we got off the ship in Wellington, we opted to walk into the city with our first stop being the visitor center. However, we made one crucial error—we didn’t grab a map of the city from people handing them out as we walked out of the port area. Instead we relied on a poorly printed PDF map I’d brought with us. So we walked and walked and walked with stops for pictures as we made our way to the visitor center. Once we finally reached our destination, we spoke with someone about visiting Weta Workshop. The woman booked our tickets for the tour and patiently explained to us how to use the bus system to get there the next day. She also gave us directions on how to walk to Mt. Victoria, which ended up being the day’s adventure. And then off we went in rainy weather to hike a “mountain.” As we wandered the city, we noticed the fun “walk” and “don’t walk” figures on the traffic signals and enjoyed the scenery along the way.

Chris and I both worked hard to get into good shape before our trip. However, our day in Wellington proved that he had done far more work and was in far better shape. Before we headed on our hike, we made a quick stop at a small cafe for toasted sandwiches. It wasn’t quite lunchtime, but we were hungry and weren’t sure how long our trek would take us. 

Our hike started at sea level and wound through a neighborhood before heading into a park area. Portions of the hike were paved, while others were a simple dirt path. We kept going up and up and up. Chris was in his element and absolutely loving it. I was exhausted, wishing I’d worn different pants and hoping the view of the city from the top of this mountain was worth it. We were wet from the off and on rain, but thankfully it wasn’t a cold rain. Just a warm, drizzly rain most of the time. When we reached the top, we enjoyed the view, but then it was time to head back down. This proved more confusing than going up because we went down a different way to see a filming location from Lord of the Rings. We made it to the right spot just before a crew blocked it off for some tree trimming. Chris got his pictures, and we carried on down the mountain. What was wonderful about this adventure was the fact that while we were in the city, it felt like we were out in the middle of the country. Aside from the top viewing area, we didn’t come across many people on our hike, and the scenery was idyllic.

Once we were back in the city, we headed toward a local chocolate shop that I’d read about online—Wellington Chocolate Factory. We weren’t particularly impressed with the city part of Wellington, especially in the area where we were going. So we quickly ducked into the chocolate shop where I bought a couple of bars of chocolate before we headed back to the ship by way of a quick stop at Te Papa museum to peruse the gift shop and to withdraw some cash for the next day’s bus ride. And let me just say that I’d forgotten how much more creative money in other countries is—the bills we withdrew had a clear portion in them! 

By the end of the day we were thoroughly exhausted. I’m not sure how many miles we walked, but we definitely got more than 10,000 steps! But there’s something profoundly satisfying about exploring a city you’ve never visited in a country that isn’t your own. And my only regret was not buying significantly more chocolate—it was AMAZING!

Napier, New Zealand

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On to New Zealand! After two days at sea, we were ready to step on land and experience the beauty of New Zealand. But, alas, the weather didn’t permit this. Our first port of call, Bay of Islands, was a tender port, and the captain told us that it wasn’t going to be safe for all of us to take smaller boats to and from the ship. Apparently rough weather was coming, and they didn’t want everyone stuck on land at the end of the day. However, we stopped offshore for quite a long time at this port. We found out on the last day of our cruise that someone had died on our ship the night before our first port of call, so the New Zealand authorities were handling that before we headed back to sea. Thankfully the excursion we’d booked through Royal Caribbean for Bay of Islands was completely refunded. But later in the day we found out that our next port of call, Tauranga, was also canceled due to weather. This cancellation felt quite devastating because we had booked an excursion on our own to visit Hobbiton. Not only that but now we also had yet another day at sea. 

The Royal Caribbean team did their best to add extra activities to the sea days, and they adjusted our itinerary so that we arrived at our “third turned first” port of call, Napier, a day early. The line to get off the ship was exceptionally long, and we waited in line for quite a while before disembarking, probably close to an hour. Everyone wanted to be on land!

From the ship we took a bus into the town, and right next to the drop off point was a miniature golf course, so, of course, we played a round of mini-golf with a view of the ocean and enjoyed having the course mostly to ourselves. Then we ventured into the town to find a Portuguese cafe that I’d found online. After enjoying some treats, we wandered the town—shopping and admiring all the cool art deco buildings the town is known for. In our quest for fun souvenirs, we bought “matching” hoodies from a New Zealand outdoor store. And enjoyed chatting with the owner of a small jewelry shop, which may have led to a couple of impulsive purchases that were nice but that we slightly regretted later. 

It started raining after we finished our mini-golf game and pretty much didn’t stop the entire time we were in Napier. However, we still had a great time exploring and just being off the ship for the afternoon.