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In my muumuu era

I turned 64 today. In typical fashion, Gary made it Jayne Day, and we’ve only done what I wanted to do all day. Don’t be jealous. I only get the one day. 😂. Well, I guess I get Mother’s Day, too, but I have to share that with others.

At any rate, we decided to stay a couple of nights at our favorite cabin in the woods. He grilled steak, wings, and sausage. We ate the remnants of our shared red velvet birthday cake (his birthday was Friday). We took a long walk in the woods and ended up laughing in the rain. We sat around and read and watched silly videos and sent each other memes that probably only he and I and the creator of the meme found funny.

It was magnificent.

Rainy day walk
Wet, muggy, fogged glasses walk with my man. I loved it.

Birthdays are a reset for me. A time to reflect on where I am spiritually, physically, and emotionally. As always, I come up short in some areas, and feel perfectly in tune in others. I think the biggest reset with me this year will be my nutrition. I’ve been trying to get that dialed in my entire life, and I’m still not there. I know it’s a work in progress, but, dang it, progress already. Sigh. I’ll get there. Patience has never been my strong suit.

I captioned this one “In my muumuu era” because I’m pretty sure that from now on, if I’m not in my workout clothes, I’ll be in a muumuu. I’ve been wearing them for years, and I always get a, “you look like a mamaw” from my family. Well, I’m a Gammy now, so that’s fitting. Also, I’ve really entered my #WDNC phase, so I’m happy to be comfy, and don’t really care what anyone else thinks.

The current favorite

I’m not making any resolutions to write more, or setting anything in stone about exercise. I’m pretty happy with my workout schedule right now, and I’ll write when the mood strikes, so here we are. I do plan to be more intentional with journaling and cultivating a deeper prayer life, so perhaps I’ll share some of that here.

It was a pretty good day for a Monday.

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A season of grief

I’m all “up in my feels” today.

I really hate that saying, but, I have to admit, it really describes me today. My FB memories this morning shared this pic from my brother-in-law from 2015:

Bittersweet. Then I looked at the comments:

At first, I let this make me weepy. It didn’t help that my nephew (her son), who has the voice of an angel, posted a trio with his wife and one of their sons singing Amazing Grace this morning. Alligator tears may or may not have been shed. I miss my sweet sister so much. She passed away a very short five years after this post. I would give almost anything to be able to talk to her again. But, I made lunch in her honor using recipes our Daddy taught us more years ago than I can remember, and I was able to put things more in perspective.

Grief and loss are a part of life. Many of my friends and family have suffered devastating losses; of children, spouses, parents, their own health. I sometimes wonder how they have been able to go on. But, as I read in a long ago study on grief, “You just keep on waking up in the morning.” Absolute truth. We just keep on getting up every day, putting one foot in front of the other. Life goes on, and we have to figure out how to make it bearable and, more importantly, how to make it count.

I’m currently in the middle of a Bible study by Jennifer Rothschild entitled “Heaven.” It is excellent, informative, and healing. I also read “Heaven,” by Randy Alcorn years ago, and am giving it a listen again. Can you tell I’m leaning into a season of grief right now? If you’ve never done a study on heaven, and are relying on your childhood memories of Bible teachings, I highly recommend both of these studies. They are paradigm shifting. I remember the Alcorn study opening my eyes to misunderstood theologies years ago, but my memory being what it is, I’m enjoying hearing/reading it all again. So much of both of these studies are balm to a very raw soul.

I think it’s important to point out that I don’t rest here in this season of grief. Life is life-ing, and I’m enjoying every moment. My family (particularly a certain mischievous 3 year old boy) gives me so much joy that I cannot express it in words. Having them near, sharing life with them, helping them, just being near them is a blessing I’ll never stop being thankful for. But, I think it’s also important to lean into the grieving season to a certain extent. Nothing heals quite like a good, soul-cleansing cry. Or, a hard, sweat inducing run.

So, go for a run, have a good cry, or go sit by the sea, whatever works for you. I’ll probably do all three.

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2024 in the rear view

I’ve never been one to say, “Oh. This was such a terrible year, I can’t wait til it’s over.” I don’t even think that about 2020, although that was probably the worst one in recent memory. The year brings what it brings. Every year has good and bad. But, I’ll be honest, I’m glad I’m looking at 2024 in the rear view mirror.

2024 brought a lot of loss with it. We lost my mother in law in May, then our sweet, sweet Papaw (my FIL) in December. His death hit us particularly hard. Not because it wasn’t expected, he lived a long, full life; but because he was so absolutely precious to us. We are grieving, but we are finally looking ahead.

I’ve always been a big goal setter. I used to always write them down, and indeed, some of my blog posts from previous years have goals and resolutions that I’ve set at various times. I usually become reflective this time of year and on my birthday and think about what I want the upcoming year to look like. Sometimes those goals are met, other times they are forgotten as soon as I think about pizza.

Right?

I don’t really set lofty goals anymore. I think life has knocked that right out of me. But, I do have goals, and some of them are big for me. I’m actually fulfilling one right now, and that is to write more. Not just here, but journaling and maybe some other writing. Most of my goals now center around health. Continue exercising, add strength training (sigh), drop a few more pounds, you know the drill.

My mental health is a focus this year, and that always comes back to diving in deeper spiritually for me. I’m enjoying The Bible Recap. If you’ve ever wanted to read the Bible through, I highly recommend this site. I’ve tried for years, but always get bogged down in Leviticus. This year, my daughter started it at the beginning of the year and her experience influenced me so much that I joined in October for the New Testament. I’m really excited about starting the Old Testament in January, and I hope to do this every year. It’s easy and awesome and has taught me a lot about verses I thought I knew already. I would love for you to join me this year.

I want to be a better friend this year and reach out to old friends that I’ve allowed life to move me away from. Some are long distance, others live within a few miles of me. I’m coming for all of you this year. Be ready.

Adventure is also on my agenda. For two years, we haven’t done much traveling, but we’ve already booked a trip for 2025. We’re headed back to Kona for some diving and hiking and chilling. I can’t wait. I’m also anticipating more hiking adventures. If you have suggestions, let me hear them. The sky’s the limit right now!

Simple goals, simple life. What could be better?

Two of my favorites watching fireworks.
Around the campfire New Year’s Eve
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Space for grief and joy

The Christmas season can be really tough. Our sweet Papaw woke up in heaven on the tenth of this month, and, like all of God’s timing, it was perfect. He was home, surrounded by family who adored him, and as comfortable as we and hospice could make him.

We all gathered for his funeral, but the family has all gone home now, and we’re working on getting back to normal. Whatever that is. A new normal, I guess. Our house feels really empty after six years of overflowing. But, we’re getting there. Work is calling, and daily movement is on the agenda again. Praising God for that. My mental health really suffers when I’m not getting outside every day.

We are so grateful that we had so much time with all our parents. They lived long and fruitful lives, loving their families well, exemplifying God’s love and grace, and modeling what lifelong marriages should look like.

This picture makes my heart smile. These two had such a special bond. Lawson asks to talk to Papaw often.
A handsome young service man. He’s probably 20 or so here.

In a much needed getaway, my man and I are currently at the beach celebrating our forty-fourth wedding anniversary. We have no plans, no agenda. We’re just doing exactly what we feel like when we arise to meet the sun. Coffee on the balcony enjoying the sound of the waves, lazy days lounging around watching football or reading, long walks on the back county trails, eating at favorite places, and doing a little shopping. Christmas is nigh upon us and this year has not provided many shopping opportunities. Thankfully, we don’t have a lot to buy for, and we mostly try to give experiences rather than more stuff.

Today, after our walk, we had pizza at a nostalgic favorite, Lillian’s in Perdido Beach, and the drive there brings up such joyful memories. Like the year I was training for the NYC marathon and doing a long run that took me past Lillian’s down to the State Park. I remember I was listening to The Great Gatsby for the first time, and thinking what a bad choice it was for a 20 mile run. It was supposed to be an out and back, but when I got to the state park, my legs and tummy just wouldn’t participate in the return journey, so my man came and got me. He tucked me up in a recliner with a heating pad and plied me with warm beverages and snacks until I felt better. You see why I’ve kept him around so long? My legs hurt thinking about that season (and that run in particular), but the memory does spark joy in my heart.

Do you know how hard it is for this old photographer to take selfies?

I hope this season is allowing you to make space for joy, even if you’re grieving. Christmas can be a sad reminder of people lost or family strife, but I’m praying that yours (and mine) will be filled with joy and reconciliation. As a sweet creator that I follow on social media reminded me today, God’s well is deep and filled with grace and peace. We just need to lower our cups into it and fill them to the brim.

I hope to write more in the coming year. I forget between posts how cathartic it is. I’m hoping to reduce my digital footprint as well and try to stay off my devices. Sigh. Setting big goals for the upcoming year.

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Seasons

Sometimes, I’m old. Chronologically, I guess I’m always old at 63, but I don’t always feel old. I feel old this week.

I’ve been through many seasons in my six decades. Some have been challenging, others have been carefree. Some have been filled with adventure and fun, others have been long stretches of frustration, aggravation, and anxiety. They’ve all had their ups and downs, and all have been necessary for me to become the woman that I am.

As a recovering long time Southern Baptist (I kid. Well, kind of.), I never celebrated Lent or Advent. I’ve always been fascinated by these seasons, though, and as I’ve grown in my faith, I’ve reached into other faiths to study and celebrate different aspects that intrigue me. I use different resources to study them, and this year I’ve been using Gospel in Life; the late, brilliant, Tim Keller’s ministry.

One of the things I’ve learned (and there’s still so much that confuses me) is that Advent is a season of waiting, a time when we look back at the first coming of Christ and look forward to His second coming when he will return and renew this fallen creation.

My first advent wreath. Week 1 for Hope, week 2 for Peace.
My sweet grandboy lights the candles each week. We have a REALLY short devotion and then he lights the candle.

A season of waiting is a really good description of where my life has been for the last couple of years. My in-laws moved in with us when their health deteriorated in 2019, with my mother in law passing away in May of this year. In early October, my precious, 92 year old father in law’s health began to decline, he fell in November and broke his hip, wasn’t strong enough for rehab, and we brought him home on hospice the Friday before Thanksgiving. We have some outside help in the daytime, but nights me and my man do what my dad used to call “turn to”. We get up through the night to give him medicine, change him if needed, tend to his needs, then get back to a catnap or two. My man has borne the brunt of it, tending to his father tenderly and thoroughly, until he got sick last week, and I was on deck. I was sick the week of Thanksgiving and, I’ll be honest, last week with its night shift nearly broke me. Papaw declined quickly and by Friday, hospice was coming every day. He has declined even more over the weekend, and at this point it’s just a long, exhausting, stressful, overwhelming, heartbreaking waiting game.

I haven’t exercised to speak of in three weeks. I’ve stress cooked, stress cleaned, stress eaten, and just stressed until I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. I really need to get outside and go for a run/walk, a ruck, a hike, or a bike ride. Soon, I hope. I’m finally over my crud, I think, and if the weather cooperates, I’m headed outside tomorrow.

I broke my Advent wine fast this evening. I’m telling you, this weekend and today have taken a toll and made me feel old. I’m not beating myself up, though, I’ll get back to it tomorrow. And, I’ll get back to exercise and real life soon.

While every season is different, this Advent season of waiting has been a particularly difficult one.There have been moments of beauty, though, as there always are.

My heart